ONE of the country’s newest universities is offering a degree in selling beds. The Britain we live in, eh?
It is what would have been called a training course in your day.
Now it comes with a cap and gown and two years’ obligatory student drunken revelry.
But for being born in the wrong era I would have enrolled myself and happily moved into the halls of residence. Not only would I have bedded the pretty little blonde-haired girl down the corridor I’d have sold her the mattress as well.
But for that accident of birth I could have sat my McDonald’s A-level to win a place on the Buckinghamshire New University course, sponsored by the bed company Dreams.
It might have been day release once upon a time for someone who stumbled into a junior vacancy because they could think of nothing better to do, but it is the kind of collaboration between industry and higher education the government wants to encourage.
Well, it would do, wouldn’t it? Saves providing real courses.
Selling beds is hardly a vocation. It is not something you are born to or fantasise about.
“What are you going to do with your life, Buckley?”
“I want to satisfy the continually evolving desires of those seeking the perfect sleep experience, sir.”
“You want to sell them beds?”
“And pillows, sir.”
And isn’t that what it’s about?
Selling. Someone comes into your shop for a bed and, using your selling technique, you flog them the most expensive one possible.
Would you really care if a customer was better suited to postureform than memory foam if there was an extra tenner in it?
You would not persuade those with luxury money to settle for build-it-yourself pine.
A bed’s a bed surely and you get what you pay for.
If they’re virtually skint you sell them a sleeping bag and point them towards the arches.
Incidentally, I have discovered that air beds are catching on fast in this country. A Buck University graduate salesman would tell me they are non-allergenic, hygienic and dustmite free, ideal for asthma sufferers. But he’d still be selling me a li-lo for 200 quid.
And could you trust him to be honest?
“No sir, you can’t do that on an air mattress. It would pop and whizz round the room like a demented balloon with both of you on it.”
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